Pages from the Zany - F I L E S

I flew up from my chair in my accounts class…I suddenly felt so light…I couldn’t sense anything…I couldn’t touch anything…I was floating in the air...I looked down…people were gathering around the chair I was sitting…I wondered what had happened….I couldn’t control my moments….I felt so light and good…I felt like a bird flying in freedom…I was raising higher and higher…I did not know how to stop myself…I tried shouting my friend’s name…who had gathered at my chair below…she couldn’t hear me…I was puzzled…what is happening? I heard my friend let out a shriek…she shouted she could not feel my pulse…she said she feared I might have been dead…I was laughing at the commotion they were creating below me…while I was happily floating around….WHAT….Excuse me….what did I say my friend feared….Did she say I am DEAD….as in D-E-A-D!!....is it why I am floating now…I couldn’t believe it…I did not feel a thing…what is the proof that I died? I don’t even know the reason for my death which they say that has been caused….all I can feel is very light and happy…I am puzzled!! This is very unfair…….I call down to the people….I shout to them I am right above them…they do not hear me!

Some one tapped on my shoulder…I turn and I am awestruck…I wished my friend was with me to see this person…oh my…he looked so damn cute…he had straw-colored hair…and deep blue eyes that glinted in the ends…that makes you want to drown into the depths of the vast blueness…I must have been gaping at him with my mouth wide open…coz he coughed…I closed my mouth and went back to my puzzled look…then I noticed, even he was floating in the air like me…
’brad’ he said…
’bread’ I said
‘Not bread…it is brad’….
’bred’ I said pronouncing it the way he pronounced it…he smiled and acknowledged it…oh my…he has got just the perfect teeth…they were so white…naturally too….I must have been staring through him in my own world…that he waved at me…I came back to my senses…
‘I am your official transporter to the other world’
Other world….I thought there was only one world in our solar system….
‘What other world?’
‘The world of the spirits….the world of after lives’
‘After lives…excuse me…I am still very much alive…!’
He smiled at me ‘indeed you are not alive, that is the reason I am here’
‘If you are here…why should I be dead?’
‘If you can see me…then you are dead my girl’
I just stood staring at him…he took my hands and glided me across the room…
He told me the way to control your movement on air is very much similar to swimming…just push yourself forward and beat your legs….and use your hands like the wings of a bird to change directions..
It was now easier for me to move about in the air…and it was great fun too…I felt like I was starring in a superman movie…everything below was soo small like ants…I was interrupted in my thoughts by his
‘We need to go higher’
‘Higher?’
‘Yeah, past the clouds’
‘Oh’
He suddenly pulled me across and drifted towards a corner….and I heard a plane pass just near my face…
He grumbled ‘Air traffic has become so severe due to the vast technological developments made by mortals!’
I smiled at it; he looked very cute when he grumbles!
We flew higher…without realizing we both were hand in hand!

We reached a big white gate…he went and identified himself as ‘transporter 09765’ and the huge gate opened…I was blinded by the light…he gave me coolers to wear…and wearing them we went in…he asked me to register my name and my birth date in the register counter…and then I was taken to a place which very much looked like our sathyam cinemas!...
‘Are we going to watch a movie?’
‘Yep’
‘I want to watch Spiderman 3….you took me before they could release it…can I see it here?’
‘Spiderman?...I do not know abt that movie…but we are gonna see your movie’
‘My movie???!!!’
‘Yeah’
We went in and were seated….and it ran before me….my total 18 and a half years of life….till the minute I drifted from my chair…I sniffed a sob and told him that nobody has taken such a perfect movie just for me….it was so wonderful of you….he gave a startled look and said
‘I did not take this movie, we have a separate film department for all this’
‘Oh is it soo…then I wish to meet the director of this film…I want him to go back to India and take such amazing movies’
‘oh yeah he went there once…he got crazy about the film industry down there and came back in the same speed in which he went, yeah now we can go to the review room’
‘Review room?’
‘Ya…now they will review what good you have done…what bad you have done…they confirm you are the said person in the movie and decide on whether you will go to hell or heaven’
‘Oh…….how interesting….will you accompany me to hell or heaven Brad?’
‘No…I part at the gates of those…from then on the world of hell or heaven is completely for you to explore’
After some 2 hours of debating…the review team was confused with their result…they said I confirm to the movie…but I wasn’t supposed to be here….I was supposed to be here only after some 50 years…but everything else was right…they did not know what went wrong…the death chart…they said…had my name twice…..I had something unaccomplished in earth…they will send me in half state there…as they cannot grant me Visa to enter hell or heaven….so I had no other option but to jump between earth and here…
‘Half state? Un-accomplishment? Visa?’ I was completely puzzled….they then said that till things sought out, Brad will accompany me to wherever I go…to keep an eye on me…

So we returned back….to earth…
Brad asked me ‘Did you have any deep desire?’
‘Desire? .....hmmm….yeah to eats tons and tons of ice creams and chocolates everyday’
He laughed at this ‘Not such desires…something big enough, which wants you to stay in the world?’
‘Hmmm…I have no idea Brad’
‘Anyway we will encounter what is making you stay here’
‘Yeah….shall we go home?’
‘Ya…sure’
We reached home…the home was silent…as if it was in a graveyard…it was dark too…I shouted
‘MOM’
‘Your mom can’t hear you’
I could sense regret in his voice…
‘Oh………………………….’
And I saw Mom, Dad, Bro, my friends, relatives….everybody was outside near me….my body!!....they were all crying….lots more people were coming to the house…
I couldn’t bear the sight…I turned and Brad caught hold of me…I silently wept in his shirt…I looked up
‘Why I brad?’
He couldn’t reply…he was rooted to the place looking at my family and friends….
‘They need me Brad’
‘They do’
‘I want to go back to them….I want to hug my parents….I want to fight with my brother….I want to play pranks with my friends…..I want to do a lot more things…..’
Brad just hugged me tighter…
Suddenly we were transported back to the review room...they said they had found the reason for the confusion…they said I was not supposed to die…I had a lot more to see and achieve in life…many people need me in earth…many people live for me…I live for many people…they shouldn’t be disappointed too soon…many people’s life will depend on my future existence….there was a small error…and I need to be transported back to my life form….and that too immediately before my soul’s last remains drift from my body…

We were transported back to my house….I was completely bewildered at what was happening….Brad asked me to walk in to my body…I saw my mom staring at me….I did not know she can sense me….I smiled at her…..she smiled back!
‘Walk in?’
‘Yeah….just concentrate on your body and walk in’
I walked….walked to my body….I went into it…I suddenly felt that I had entered a tornado….everything was spinning around me….and suddenly I got up….I felt my mom’s hands around me in a protective hug….everybody gathered at my house were staring in disbelief at me….they couldn’t believe their own eyes…only my mom said
‘I knew you will come back’
And I saw Brad smile and disappear into thin air behind her…

# inspired from the drama Crazy Ghosts

Disclaimer:

Everything in the below script is purely fictitious and has been written for the sole reason for you people to laugh. If you do not laugh after reading it, I warn u beforehand of ‘zanybug’ which will infect you. This bug is on the lookout of people who do not laugh after reading this article!!...highly dangerous bug! So at least pretend to laugh. And the bug will hit you if you question the logic in the article! So all you have to do is read and laugh and no questions what so ever!

Zany Talkies

Proudly presents

New Jersey to Nellikuppam

Starring

Panchu & Aanchu

Story, Script, Direction

Zanychild

Music

Airamaan

Hero entry:

Our hero Panchu returns to Chennai from America. His family is waiting in Kodambakkam bus stop (as this film is a low budget film, the hero cannot afford a flight ticket, so he comes all the way from US to Chennai by bus)

A bright yellow color bus stops in front of the big gang of family members…the wind blows in full speed (our usual filmy effects). The bus door opens, and a leg is shown, then another leg is shown. The leg touches the ground and the mud below the feet blows upwards. ‘aaargghh I can’t see’ a voice is heard. (A foul smell spreads around)

Camera moves upwards to Hero’s face…Panchu is rubbing his eyes with his hand. The mud from below went into his eyes….and he is in unbearable irritation. (The result of heroism).

He is wearing a ‘Reeebok’ Tee-shirt, ‘Levees’ jean and a ‘Nikie’ shoe. (courtesy: T.nagar platform).

Mom: Panchu my child how thin have you become?

(While panchu looks like a loaded truck…), and hurries to hug him.

Dad: son you haven’t changed a bit!

Panchu: yes dad, I haven’t changed. See I am even wearing the same clothes in which I went to US 2 years back! (Now you must have understood the reason for the foul smell!)

While going out of the bus stop, Panchu bumps into a girl.

Heroine entry:

That bump sends electrical shivers down both of them that Aanchu our heroine collapses by the electric shock that passed between them. Panchu catches hold of her.

Panchu looks at the girl in his arms. She wears big soda butti spectacles. And looks like one who has escaped from an asylum. Not that Panchu looks any better with his two bug’s bunny teeth! Aanchu regains consciousness and looks at Panchu for a half a minute. They hold eye contact. (And the usual romantic violin plays in the background). Aanchu then flees from that place.

Panchu: who is that girl dad?

Dad: she is the bus masters’ daughter (like station master in station, bus master in bus stop) Aanchu. She will be here most of the day. She sings and chases away all the dogs, cats and rats in the bus stop. At times her songs fled people also when there is a lot of rush in getting tickets.

Panchu: oh, how sweet.

A few days later,

Panchu’s home:

Mom: Panchu get up, the bride’s family is coming home today to see you today, it is the bride groom looking ceremony. At least bath today and look good for them. (Nowadays, it is no longer the bride looking ceremony; it is the reverse case these days)

Bride’s family enters:

Dad: welcome, welcome please make yourself at home.

Mom: welcome.

Dad: go and ask Panchu to come.

Mom: oh yes

Panchu comes inside the hall with the tray of coffee. The bride’s mothers analyses him from top to bottom. He goes and says ‘namaskar’ to everyone and gives the coffee. When he comes at the bride to give coffee, He looks up to see the bride, and she too looks at him. Panchu smiles shyly at her and goes and sits obediently next to his father.

Dad: Panchu is a US return lad. He has done his MBA from New Jersey (here MBA doesn’t mean ‘masters’ in business administration’, it means ‘Masters in Barotta adichufying (beating)’ ) he is a very good son, very calm and polite to elders, and does all the house hold chores just like his mother.

Bride’s Mom: does he sing?

Mom: oh yes, of course Panchu will you sing for them my child.

Panchu: yes mom…

‘A..aa….aaaa’. Everybody closes their ears and the bride’s family flees from the place!

Mom: oh god! What will we do now Panchu, they have rejected you.

The wind blows fiercely and the trees sway from right to left. A thunder storm strikes and a huge down pour follows.

Panchu is trying to hold himself from being taken away by the wind. And says in a Magnamous Decibel… ‘Mom, I vow today that I will marry before that girl who came here within 1 week, or else I will change my name to ‘panchali’’

Dad: son, panchali was your orginal name, it was due to some bet you lost a few years back that you change your name to Panchu.

Panchu glares at his father and says, ‘that doesn’t mean that I will lose always!!’

A few days later. In the middle of the night.

Panchu thinks of Aanchu. He gets up from is bed. Rushes to the bus stop.

Bus stop:

Panchu is running from the left…..

Aanchu is running from the right…

The camera shifts like watching a tennis match from Panchu and Aanchu. It goes on for some 15 minutes. (Panchu shouts at the cameraman, ‘idiot stop, I can’t run any longer!!’ and the camera is stopped)

Panchu runs and falls in Aanchu’s arms.

Panchu: honey, where you coming in search of me?

Aanchu: who me? .Never. I was coming in search of my dog ‘pandu’. And you fell into my arms!

Panchu: never mind honey, dog or me, it is the same difference.

Now for our dream song.

The camera shifts to exotic locations in Chennai. Like the ‘koovam’ river, the ‘Eunix’ waste recycle factory and many more such locations in which Aanchu and Panchu run hand in hand singing duets.

Song ends.

Aanchu is still holding Panchu in her arms

Aanchu: do you love me Paanchu?

Panchu: of course dear and my name has only one ‘a’ it is Panchu and not Paanchu.

Aanchu: oh ok dear, will you do anything for me?

Panchu: I will do anything for you

Aanchu: will you give me your life?

Panchu: what? Who told you I will give you my life, never will I give my fit for nothing life to anyone.

*thud*

Aanchu puts Panchu down and flees from there, leaving Panchu to deal with his broken bones.

Panchu at that moment gets a call from his friend that his house is in fire.

Panchu rushes to his house with the firemen, to find his house calm. When he goes inside, his father looks like fire at him. (The friend indicated this fire and not the real fire). The firemen blast Panchu for ruining their precious sleep and leave the house.

Panchu: what happened dad?

Dad: who is she?

Panchu: who?

Dad: I heard you are going around with a girl?

Panchu: then, will I go around with a guy? What stupid question is this dad?

Dad: you cannot marry that Aanchu girl

Panchu: why are you spoiling things like this? Nobody will marry me is known to me, and Aanchu says she wants to marry me, why should I spoil such an opportunity?

Dad: if you marry her, I will not give you any share in my property, and you cannot live in this house.

Panchu: your property? You are talking as if you have pots of gold and acres of land. All that you have is your old, torn dhoti and shirt, who needs them? And if that is your decision I am walking away from this house.

Panchu packs his bag, while his Mom pleads to his Dad not to let him go, and his Dad warns his Mom, if she stops him, she may as well go with him. His Mom says, ‘oh, I can’t go and live with him, just for the sake he is our son and I have to show mother sentiment in the movie am I asking him to stop. If he wants to go, let him go, I will open the doors much wider for him to go’

Panchu then goes to the bus stop and wakes Aanchu and they both go to the nearby temple and they both get married. (background music…’mangalyam thanthunathena…’..)

Anchu: where are we going to live Panchu?

Panchu: Aanchu do not ask stupid questions like that, I have not built a taj mahal for us to live. I can only get you its photo. We have to go in search of some place.

They land at the house broker’s house.

The broker tells them there is an amazing bungalow just for them, and its rent is very cheap of just Rs. 250 per month.

Panchu and Aanchu go to that place. It is in Nellikuppam. The broker takes them to a straw hut, which looks ravishingly tattered.

Broker: this is you dream bungalow Panchu

Panchu: oh. It looks beautiful

Broker: near the house you get a free offer of this group of buffaloes. They are absolutely free along with this house. So you can have hot coffee every morning in fresh buffalo milk directly from them. , and Panchu, but one condition never let Aanchu sing, or else all the buffaloes will run away.

He shows them the river containing all the possible contamination, running along side the hut and says this is the Kuppam River. ‘You can swim scuba dive and even bath in this river and have a wonderful time. Nobody will bother you here, even if you drown and die or get infections. It is such a peaceful locality.’

Panchu and Aanchu are very happy with the house, and agree to rent it.

And thus like all stories, the couple lived happily stinking ever after with buffalo milk coffee and Kuppam River bath!

Thank you

Zanychild

Driving people insane as always